


The Sins In Your Head

by rufferto



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drabble, F/M, Just a memory, M/M, Spoilers season 7, no graphic descriptions, non con elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 02:41:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11958030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rufferto/pseuds/rufferto
Summary: Jamie recalls a few things as he leaves Kings Landing that he really should just forget.But he can't.





	The Sins In Your Head

Jamie looked back at King’s Landing, an ache in his heart.

The past twenty years were now just a memory. They had lost so much and made so many mistakes and he’d tried. He’d done everything possible to keep them alive and together. But in the end. In the end she’d even driven him away. It was a blessing in disguise, really, because there never could have been anyone else. There had never been the possibility of anyone else. She would have killed them or had them removed.

It was strange but he suddenly felt free. For the first time in his entire life he could do something that didn’t revolve around her. It was daunting. Ever since their fateful visit to Winterfell he’d felt like the world had pulled the rug out from under his feet.

He wasn’t doing this for anyone but himself. No one had ever understood why he’d had to kill the King. But because he’d stabbed the Mad King in the back his honor had always been in question. They didn’t know what serving under that man had been like. They didn’t know the things Jamie had put up with. They didn’t know that Aerys wasn’t just mad. He was depraved. Jamie had taken a lot of that anger. He’d never told a soul but in the end he couldn’t let him kill everyone in Kings Landing with the wildfire. He was a hero and yet, treated like a villain.  If only they understood why.

_Aerys ran his fingers down Jamie’s back. “You’re perfect, Lannister. Made to be fucked. Too pretty to be in all that armor.”_

_Jamie twisted in the bonds. He hated these nights, but he had no choice. No one could ever know. They would blame him, not the King. He would take the punishment. He knew from the start there was nothing he could do to stop this. Short of killing himself, and Jamie Lannister was a survivor._

_Aerys gripped Jamie’s mouth and swirled a finger inside, pushing open his lips._

_Jamie wanted to fight. But this was a King! A King who loved to burn people. He silently complied._

_Aerys kissed him sloppily and tongued his mouth until Jamie couldn’t breathe. He turned Jamie around and bent him over the bed._

He shuddered at the memory. He’d been a younger man then.

Aerys Targaryen had turned him into a villain and he accepted that now. He’d embraced it. He let Cersei do that to him too, but she never knew what the Mad King did and never would. They had both twisted him into what he was today.

As he rode onward Bran’s face haunted him.  He could have done things differently. He knew he deserved to pay for that. He would.

And now for the first time in his life he could ask himself what he wanted. Not Cersei, not his father, nor the King. His own self would determine his fate for the very first time.

He wanted to be known as a man with honor.

And so as he rode to the north, to Winterfell, and perhaps to his doom he could hear Aerys Targaryen laughing in the back of his mind.  
  
_“You’re a Murderer, A murderer. A murderer.” The ghost jeered at him gleefully. “They’ll swing you high from a tree or light you on fire or let your head be lopped off. They’ll hack at it so that it’s no clean swing too! They'll want you to suffer. Hee Hee Hee, no one will speak for you in the North. No one knows. No one cares."  
_

He was wrong of course. There was one person he could count on.  Maybe two.

It was going to be a long ride with only his thoughts and a ghost to occupy him.

**FIN**

**Author's Note:**

> Er, I've never written a game of thrones fic before. This is probably the first and last but don't quote me on that.  
> It's just a drabble.


End file.
